Soda, Guns, Mary Sue's
by alucardismaster
Summary: Are those pesky Mary Sue's invading your universe? Can you not kill them and make it stick? Are they just annoying beyond all belief? Well good news, we're here to help you! Just call us and we'll get rid of them for you. Have gun/knife/axe/bow, will travel and kill!
1. Chapter 1

Dean and Sam raced to the impala, guns in hand and nervously glancing back behind them in order to see if she was still following them. It was getting darker and darker out with each passing minute, but it was almost unrealistic since it was only six thirty at night, during summer. Dean and Sam finally reached the impala and the overwhelming sense of dread and disbelief seemed to spread into the car with each exhale of breath from the both of them.

"How the hell is she still alive?" Sam asked bewildered as Dean fought to get the key into the ignition. "We saw her get torn apart, we burned the damn body. HOW THE HELL IS SHE STILL ALIVE DEAN?!" Sam shouted.

"I DON'T KNOW!" Dean shouted back as the key fit into the ignition, he twisted it and the engine turned over. Shifting the car into reverse, Dean turned around while putting pressure on the gas pedal, only to jump slightly when Castiel stared back at him solemnly. "Jesus Cas." Dean growled as looked past the angel and continued backing up.

"She's not dead." Castiel replied darkly as Dean shifted into first and began to drive away from the source of annoyance unspeakable.

"No shit Sherlock." Dean replied morosely. After a few beats of silence he glared back at Castiel through the rear view mirror. "How to hell does she keep coming back to life?" he challenged.

"I honestly don't know." Castiel replied somberly as he sank into the back seat of the car. "I even tried exorcizing that supposed 'half-demon' spirit from her in the hopes she'd die. But that proved pointless, she just said 'Kawaii' and laughed it off as an accident." He mumbled.

"Wait, when the hell did you try to exorcise her?" Sam asks looking back at the angel.

"An hour ago, not that it mattered." He remarked somberly. Sam and Dean shared a look of disbelief.

"We just saw her get torn apart ten minutes ago." Sam said, Castiel looked at him with confusion.

"What?" He asked incredulously, staring at the younger Winchester questioningly.

"Yeah, we just saw a vampire tear her head off. Stupid bitch was prancing around after us claiming she's a damn expert in killing vampire's, next thing she does is walk directly up to one and try to talk it to death." Dean replies snarkily as he turned onto another street. "The vamp basically says screw it, bites into her throat and decides her arms are twigs that needed to be snapped."

"We even burned the body- DEAN!" Sam said. The elder Winchester turned in time to see the wrecked semi-truck lying across the road ahead. Slamming on the brakes of the Impala, the back of the semi's container decided to burst open. Paper spewed out the open double doors of the container as the vehicle came to a stop. A gust of wind brought the papers in a swirling vortex towards the car and within half a minute the white and black sheets peppered the windows of the Impala.

"What the hell?" Dean asked in annoyance as he got out of the car and started peeling the papers off his car. Sam and Castiel got out of the vehicle and looked up to see even more papers swirling about in the air above them.

"Something is not right about this." Castiel remarked as Sam decided to peel one of the papers off the window of his door.

"Have a problem that you can't get rid of, no matter how many times you hit her?" Sam read aloud off the paper and looked up at Dean and Castiel as they both pull out their own flyers from either off the car or from the air.

"Have you tried killing her? Stabbing her? Exorcising the unkillable bitch or bastard?" Dean said and then looked at Sam. "Oh come on." He said as he tossed the paper up in the air and started tearing off more flyers from his car.

"Pull out your computer and Skype 'yoursuemustdie', and they will handle it all." Castiel said as he continued to read. "Or call 1-***-***-**** if you don't have access to internet at the moment since you're peeling these flyers… off the windshield of… Impala." All three stopped and looked at each other and then down at the flyers. Within moments, guns were drawn and hackles were raised as eyes scanned the area. A flyer made a crinkling noise as it slapped into Dean's face.

He tore it off with a curse and glared at it. "Oh you have… 'Yes, this is a weird deus ex machina. But what choices do you have pretty boy? Especially with that blonde bimbo comin…coming up behind you in that Ferrari?'" Dean looked at the paper in shock, then confusion, and then anger. "Oh come on! Are we seriously supposed to be-" the revving of a high powered engine interrupted him.

Everyone turned to see headlights coming around the light curve of the road. Another flyer smacked into Castiel's chest, he pulled it off and looked at it hurriedly. "Yes, that is her, get your asses in the car and call damn it. Seriously dumbass, get into the car." Castiel said in his monotone as if lifelessly reading a script. The encroaching car came to a stop twenty or so yards away from the trio and the drivers door opened.

A tall illogically thin teenager with… personalities far too large to fit her body and still stand upright stepped out. A gust of wind had her foaming cornsilk radiant blonde hair billow around her, losing the quality of beauty as it made the top of her head look like corn and eggs were put into a blender. The ersatz bride of Frankenstein cocked her hip, showing off a leather mid knee skirt with torn black fish net stockings and sequined thigh high leather stiletto boots. There would be more description, but a list of overly clichéd articles of clothing and adjectives is hard to find at the moment.

"Sammykins, Deanny!" The blonde teenager cried aloud. Every living creature in the area, including the dying trees, cringed at the nicknames. "You guys left me back there. That was so mean." The teenager pouted as she walked over to them, though the definition of 'walked' is ill defined, more along the lines of stalked or strutted. "And after all the trouble I had killing those nasty little monsters, you boys just up and left me." Another 'random' flyer smacked into Sam's arm, he plucked it and read it and smirked.

"Kristalnichanashi-" Dean said, trying to articulate the outrageous name for the teenager before he decided on saying "Krystal, where'd you get that car?" Said car was a purple with lime green racing stripes Ferrari 458 Italia, the kind any guy would drool over, and any rational person would not callously drive around while hunting demons if they didn't want to look well over a million dollars in vehicular parts.

"Oh this little toy?" Kristalnichanashi… fuck it, Krystal said with a giggle. "It's something Aunt Ellen left me in the will. You should see the interior, it matches the drapes." She said with an attempt at a seductive purr, only to receive concealed shutters of horror and disgust. "Especially when the engine roars, it really just… gets you going." Adding another purr and wink of her overly made up eyelids, smearing some makeup. It took all they could muster for the Trio to either not puke or shudder at the sight.

"Sam, what'd the flyer say?" Dean asked as stoically as he could in the situation.

Sam crushed the flyer in his hand. "Shoot the bitch." Krystal looked at them in confusion as both raised their pistols and fired at her. In a small barrage of bullets, Krystal lost quite a bit of flesh from her… personalities, even more from her face and head. Bits and pieces of her hair stayed attached to clumps of bone and brain matter. Blood splattered back and forth, peppering the asphalt and expensive purple car. The brothers stopped shooting when Dean's gun ran empty, he smirked and reloaded.

"Well, hopefully that will-" Dean ceased what he was saying when he noticed how some of the blood pooling around Krystal seemed to recede back into her body. "OH COME ON!" Dean yelled in anger as he shot the regenerating body of Krystal.

"Get in the car." Castiel said in all seriousness. "And call that number." Dean and Sam grudgingly climbed into the Impala, Sam pulling out his cell phone as Dean maneuvered the Impala around Krystal's body and car, heading back the way they came.

-In entirely different univers-

A Chinese girl in jean shorts and a red and black plaid shirt looked up from her computer as she sat on a depressing looking green plaid couch. She looked around for the source of sound that had distracted her from her WoW session. She spotted the source of the noise on the dresser turned T.V. stand and took off her headphones. The phone on the dresser was vibrating and ringing, the ringtone being 'Brick by Boring Brick' by Paramore respectively. She grimaced and yelled. "NATHAN! YOUR PHONE'S RINGING!"

A muffled report of pounding feet from the floor above told Jennifer, the girl on the couch, that Nathan had heard. "WHICH RINGTONE?!" He yelled back from the top of the stairway.

"BRICK BY BORING BRICK!" She shouted back in response and smirked. Work was calling and Jennifer knew it.

"SHIT! AND WHEN I'VE GOT A FUCKING PAPER!" Nathan complained. "ANSWER IT FOR PLEASE? I'LL GO GET MY WORK GEAR!"

Jennifer almost replied back a choice expletive involving his outer organs, but decided against it, remembering that his turn to cook was coming up and she wanted a favor. "SURE THING!" She replied. "Kickassbitch signing off" She relayed into her headphones microphone and shut the lid of her laptop. Jumping up from the couch, she ran to the phone before it started a second verse and hit accept. "Mary Sue Help Me Hotline, who can't you kill today?" She asked.


	2. Chapter 2 Reality challenged

"You're sure this is the right door?" Sam asked Dean as they waited outside an abandoned motel room door in the middle of nowhere during the night. It was almost two in the morning since they rang, Castiel had left when the girl, Jennifer, had suggested that they find the exact numbers of the 'Mary-Sue's' that were present. She then suggested that they find some lone empty building and wait there.

"The chick on the phone said to find any building away from public view and wait there." Dean replied gruffly as he continued to sit on the hood of the Impala. "She also said something about there being a big time distance between here and 'there'." He added air quotes around the last word as he rolled his eyes. "Honestly though, I think this is a big crock of shit. I say we just-" The door to empty motel room opened at that point, as if knowing when to open in order to shut Dean up. A dull light shined in the widening cracks as voices started to creep out.

Sam and Dean drew their guns and had them lowered to the ground as the door opened fully and a slightly darkened figure stepped out and suddenly became illuminated in the headlights of the Impala. At first the brothers were a little confused when a mid height college age student became visible and showed off his average features. Average light brown hair that went down to his ears, normal plain black glasses, mildly chubby and dressed in a brown hoodie and jeans, for all intensive purposes he was just an average college student. The large backpack he carried had a camouflage pattern which had an obvious long gun scarab attached to the side.

"Um, hi, I'm Nathan." The college student, Nathan, said with a mild smile and hand wave. He then turned around and nodded towards the door behind him. "See ya later Jenny." Another person waved their arm in the closing gap of light before the door shut closed.

The Winchesters shared a look as they tried to guess what to do next. "You're the 'Mary-Sue killer' they sent?" Dean asked, his voice not showing the mild uneasiness that belonged there.

Nathan shrugged and held up his hands, causing the brothers to finger their triggers a little more tightly as they raised their arms. "If I answer yes, do I get shot repeatedly?" he asked in a bored monotone of a voice. Sam rolled his eyes as he looked at his brother.

"That depends on what you have to say?" Dean replied with an equally emotionless tone.

Nathan sighed and put his hands down to his sides. "Let me guess your problem, there is some girl, or girls, that claim to be hunters. Or half humans, half angels, half demons, half princess of the motherfucking lollipop guild, has an overly long name with multiple nicknames. Impossibly large tracts of land attached to an impossibly thin body, long wavy unnatural bright or dark hair color with neon colored highlights. Says a whole lot of shit about being badass or whines constantly, has little to no actually personality but finds herself attractive to everyone. Is utterly useless, claims to be a relative to someone you know but was never mentioned. Seems to be attracted to one or both of you, randomly says words from of different languages that mean entirely different things. Wears clothing that-"

"Alright alright, we believe you." Dean exclaimed as he put down his gun. Sam followed his brothers actions and watched as an annoying small smirk appeared on Nathans face. "So what the hell are we dealing with exactly?"

"Simple," Nathan replied as he crossed his hands over the pouch of his hoodie. "you guys are dealing with the embodied ideal of a wish fulfillment character. Spawned from the collective minds of horny little ten through twenty year olds, or by the oversaturation of troll stories." The apprehensive looks he received from Sam and Dean made him smile. "Sorry, that's the line of spiel we're supposed to tell you guys to make it seem like we know how these things form."

"Ever heard of the phrase 'pretentious asshole'?" Dean asked mockingly. In response Nathan reached into his hoodie pouch and extracted a laminated card form it, he held it for one of them to take. Sam stepped forward and took it from him.

"You, insert gender friendly term here, are dealing with the… You have got to be kidding me." Sam remarked as he turned the card over.

"Yeah, my 'boss'," Nathan said with air quotes. "got the idea that this phrase would make us seem to be more than just 'dumb mercenaries'. His words not mine. I think he got the idea for the cards from those Miranda cards the cops carry around." He held out his hand and Sam gave the card back to him.

"So you don't know what we're even dealing with?" Dean asked angrily. He made a noise and rolled his eyes. "Well what was the whole damn point of you even being here?"

"I said we didn't know how exactly they form in your world, not that I didn't know how to kill them." Nathan retorted, his voice full of snark. To suddenly contrast his tone of voice, a familiar to all sound of a stomach rumbling made him scratch his head in embarrassment. "Uh… are we anywhere near a diner?" he asked sheepishly.

"We are officially screwed." Sam said morosely. At that moment Castiel decided to pop out of nowhere, giving Nathan a slight jump. Castiel studied the newcomer with a quasi withering look.

"You're the one that's supposed to kill these… things?" He asked him, leading to Nathan nodding his head in answer. After a long pause of silence, he sighed. "I found two more, but I think there's probably about two more that I haven't found. That isn't including the one I left in New Jersey."

"I pray for those poor people's sanities." Nathan remarked with a shudder at the thought. Speaking of suffering people, the citizens of Camden, New Jersey all shared a collective sigh as an unspeakable evil left the city limits, though most didn't know why they even shuddered. Back to our original group of people, plus one outsider, Nathan's stomach is growling even louder. "Can we get something to eat? I can explain everything better with a full stomach." He pleaded.

"Why does the word stalling come to mind?" Sam remarked as he gave Nathan an uneasy look.

"And you'd be right." Nathan remarked. "When and where was the last time you saw the closest Sue?" he asked as he shifted to his feet.

"Nearly eight hours ago." Dean remarked and pointed his thumb behind his shoulder. "Back that way, why do you ask?"

"Damn, the time skip is pretty fucking large here." Nathan mumbled and then shrugged after a second of pondering. "Well, I honestly just want to put off explaining things because the Sue will more than likely arrive at the end of my explanation, and quite frankly I'd like to do that on a full stomach."

"You seem so sure of that." Castiel remarked in his usual tone of voice.

Nathan shrugged in answer. "They always do, I just figured I could try to make it go my way for once." He remarked a little darkly. "Or would you like an explanation now?"

"Now." Was the unanimous answer from the three men, err two men and the angel/possessed vessel of a man. The insistence in their voice seemed to imply violence was the other option.

Nathan rolled his eyes and sighed. "Does the name Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki and Misha Collins ring a bell?"

"You mean that stupid T.V. show about us?" Sam asked in annoyance.

"Possible pre-seventh season." Nathan muttered to himself. "Yeah, that stupid T.V. show from another reality. Well, those T.V. shows represents your world in other worlds, same goes for movies, books and comics. Anything media related tells about a time that happened during a point in that realities timeline. A pictures worth a thousand words? Nope it's five minutes in some word taken down in a single moment. All the people who write the story's, plotlines and draw out stories? They're psychically in tune with that reality during that point in time and they are able to tell what is happening."

"That doesn't explain what these girls are." Castiel points out grimly. "By the logic that your working on, all characters in books and stories are based upon us. These girls aren't natural to our world."

"That's where things get a little more complicated to explain." The outsider responded sheepishly. "We've worked out that for actual universe there is, there's a mirror reflection of that universe that's aah… pliable to the idea's of people who are fans of that universes representation of other universes." A tense pause followed as the other three deciphered the information given to them, and then the tension seemingly snapped as the realization came to one of their minds.

"This is entire thing is inspired by FANFICTION?!" Dean exclaimed in anger as he slammed his hand into the hood of the Impala. "They aren't some rejects from hell or a fucking Tulpa?" Nathan shook his head no and it only seemed to enrage the Winchester more. "How the flying fuck can this be possible?" He asked, nearly gritting his teeth.

"We think they're a type of Thought-forms that come from either collective characters that come together to form a legion, or enough people focus on one it inspires a large entity to form. Either way, the phrase 'we are legion for we are many' is the second best explanation about what they are." Castiel seemed mildly ticked at that line, but he ignored it for the most point.

"And what are they per say?" The angel growled.

"They're perfect characters." Was the simple response from the teen. "Perfect looks unless they have some exaggerated scar or birthmark, coupled with the perfect body that even supermodels would deem a crime against humanity. They'll be the embodiment of goodness and peace on ear, can never do anything wrong even if they doing literally nothing at all. A dues ex machina will always help them out in a dire situation. And they will almost always end up having the main person or persons fall madly and passionately in love with them." Nathan then reached into his hoodie pocket and pulled out a silver flask and unscrewed the lid.

"Uh kid, not that I'm complaining or anything, but do you wanna hold off the booze till after you're done explaining everything?" Dean asks as he looks on in annoyance as Nathan takes a swig from the flask.

"Relax, it's just Dr. Pepper. I'm not a big fan of alcohol that much, I'll drink it every now and then, but I prefer soda." With that, Nathan took a long drink from the flask. "Anyway, a Sue is an original character thought up by a fan of the book, show, movie." He shrugged and screwed the lid on the flask back on. "And these Sue's fit into branches of reality that stem off that mirror opposite reality. Most of the branch realities are similar to one another with minor changes, only thing that connects them together are the mirror realities of you guys." Nathan studied the reflective flask and shook it. "Want some?" The grim faces was enough of a reply to all of them.

"Anyway, so each branch reality isn't exactly a stable reality. It's like a pieces of replicated DNA that's missing a few segments, keeping it from being complete. The Sue's major ability is to create inconsistencies within the original reality, bending reality to her real and creating the missing segment. That branch reality continues onward with history incorporating the Sue and everything is fine."

"Then how do they end up here?" Sam demands with a loud impatient tone.

"That is what we don't know!" Nathan yelled back in anger. An awkward silence resumed as every stared at one singular point. Sighing, the teen resumed his explanation. "We really can't explain how they pop up here. Hell, not even the fucking fanfiction guardians can explain how they form in the real universes, they just do."

"Fanfiction guardians?" Dean asks bewildered.

"Sue's are only good for their own branch realities, but every once in a while a Sue will somehow wind up in the main mirror reality. When that happens, that Sue's role of introducing changes in reality will threaten the existences of the main mirror reality. So the guardians come in and kill the Sue in their original branch reality by inserting themselves into it."

"Is that what's so bad about these girls?" Castiel asks. "They challenge reality itself?"

"Uh huh. You see, Sue's create their own history, life, rules. The more they talk, the more they challenge reality. Since Sue's are the perfect character that are created to be indulgent fantasies, they can break the rules of reality and be anything at all. So they explain every detail about them through exposition, so the more they talk about themselves or their abilities, the more they poke little holes into reality. The more holes there are, the bigger they become, and once one hole becomes big enough-"

"Reality collapses in on itself." Castiel concluded. "So if one reality collapses, so does every other reality since they are all connected."

"Exactly!" Nathan declares in faux excitement. "But that's only in the worst case scenario, which would require so many sues that it's beyond implausible. What will likely happen with the number of Sue's that you guys have currently have, is that there will be something akin to a window will appear to in the sky. The realities of my universe and a lot of other universe will be closer and closer together, allowing everyone to view the other reality."

"And if there's more?" Dean asks, exasperated but slightly hyped for the rest of Nathan's news.

"It takes approximately twenty Sue's to get to the bad situation, which is when realities start to combine into one singularity. It would start with the reality that has the most Sue's in it, and then combine with the reality that is the most negative reality to Sue's. Like two magnets of opposite attractions."

"And let me guess, that negative reality is yours." Sam says in a mildly smug attitude.

"Yep, mine is one of the… numerous realities that Sue's can't really exist in on their own, mine just being the most negative. And that's kinda why people in my reality can kill the Sue's whereas the vast majority of other realities can't. Because the possibility of them existing in these realities is possible, and since Sue's can bend reality, anyone from that reality is potentially subject to their changes in reality. So your weapons won't kill them because they can be manipulated by them, whereas anything from my reality counteracts and neutralizes them with extreme prejudice."

"Then why not just give us the weapons and let us take care of them?" Sam challenged.

Nathan shrugged and shrugged off a strap of his backpack and started walking parallel to the Impala. "We don't really know, we did try what you suggested, but for some reason they didn't exactly work when the people of that reality used them. It just slowed the Sue's down and prolonged their regeneration by a few days."

"Where the hell are you going?" Dean asked as he got off the Impala's hood.

"Remember what I said about a Sue always showing up when I get done explaining?" Nathan asked. And just to rub in the cliché, an incredibly annoying voice rang out.

"SAMMYKIN'S! DEANY!" Everyone shuddered, including the abandoned building as Krystal walked underneath the halo of light that was cast down from a lone leading light pole.

"Told ya." Nathan replied smugly.

**MERRY CHRISTMAS!**


End file.
